Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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