i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
