Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
