he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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