please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
