She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
