I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Randomize
