Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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