Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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