Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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