hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
