dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
