I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
