My friends, they love my intelligence
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
