I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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