I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
