Midget sex pt 2 tonight
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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