Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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