i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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