Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
