I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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