at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
