just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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