just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
smell my finger.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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