tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Everclear isn't food dammit
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
