I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
