I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
two words: eviction party
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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