my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
