I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
