My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
