I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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