he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
