I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
