remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
