I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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