I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
