i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
