Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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