She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
