Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
