Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
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I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
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Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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