i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
