Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
