Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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