Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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