My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
