You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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