I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
