well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
