May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I supernannyed him into submission
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize