it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
