I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
