I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
