sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's blow job season.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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