But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
